Wow, it's been a long time.
So, I just quit a pipefitting job that I (mostly) enjoyed...
and I'm getting married in a few months.
Crazy, huh?
:)
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Huzzah!
So! It has been a while!
For right now I'll just say that I got accepted for the pipefitting apprenticeship... talk about excited! I start January 5th, and for the next 5 years, I'll be guided and trained and tested and at the end of the time, I hope to be a lean, mean, journeyman pipefitting machine!
Here is a link to a really apt description of what pipefitting involves, and the classes I'll be taking, among other things. The website isn't from my program, but it's a good overview of what I'll be doing nonetheless.
For right now I'll just say that I got accepted for the pipefitting apprenticeship... talk about excited! I start January 5th, and for the next 5 years, I'll be guided and trained and tested and at the end of the time, I hope to be a lean, mean, journeyman pipefitting machine!
Here is a link to a really apt description of what pipefitting involves, and the classes I'll be taking, among other things. The website isn't from my program, but it's a good overview of what I'll be doing nonetheless.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Pops got popped
So my pop's in jail. Yeah, yeah, I know. AGAIN. This time, he didn't even *do* anything, but Atlanta's finest collared him near a place where there was suspected wrongdoing. Yeah, racial profiling, but then I won't lie, my pops tends to *look* like he's up to something. Sneaky bastard. They'd have let him go, but danged if he didn't have a probation violation charge he'd conveniently failed to appear on.
Well, son outdid himself, 'cause *gasp* Rice Street (Fulton county jail) is overcrowded. Duh, never saw that coming in this fine, lawbreaking city of mine. Anyway, they've been shipping out inmates from there to other counties in Georgia that don't have neeearly the overcrowded conditions in the city jail.
Well.
I'll tell you what.
If you're not familiar with Georgia, think about this.
There's Atlanta (plus suburbs, and heck, even exurbs, comprising the Greater Atlanta Metropolitan Area) --
and there's the Rest of Georgia.
Every southern, rural, country stereotype you've heard is probably applicable here.
Like, two of my friends just found out today that they are related, through a town in middle Georgia. They're, like, kids of cousins.
Boiled peanuts? We've got 'em.
Peach trees? Galore.
Cotton fields? Get to pickin'.
The KKK? Shoot, you don't even have to leave the metro area to find white hoods.
Yeah, way on down in Dixie, still some segregationist crap at these huge county high schools... OK, don't get me started.
Anyway. So, Pop is down in bum freaking Egypt, in some county so far from here, we'd never even heard of it, until today. Did you know that there's a Mitchell County, Georgia? I certainly didn't, and what's more, it's actually closer to Flori-duh than here. Apparently it's sort of in the angle opposite the hypotenuse from Albany to Valdosta, since you totally
A. remember what a hypotenuse is, and
B. know where in hell, I mean, Georgia, Albany and Valdosta are.
I have faith in you, though... don't disappoint me.
(I need to take my frikkin' medication. It's 2:32 AM. I shoulda been took it.)
Ay ay ay. Blargh it all, I know I got half of my DNA from him, but sometimes I wonder. It's like he's allergic to abiding by the law. Once, I heard my pop went a whole six months without stealing anything and he broke out into hives. Started hyperventilating and everything. They said it was just an allergic reaction, but we know the truth. :nods:
Ah, well, I still love the big lug, rap sheet and all.
Well, son outdid himself, 'cause *gasp* Rice Street (Fulton county jail) is overcrowded. Duh, never saw that coming in this fine, lawbreaking city of mine. Anyway, they've been shipping out inmates from there to other counties in Georgia that don't have neeearly the overcrowded conditions in the city jail.
Well.
I'll tell you what.
If you're not familiar with Georgia, think about this.
There's Atlanta (plus suburbs, and heck, even exurbs, comprising the Greater Atlanta Metropolitan Area) --
and there's the Rest of Georgia.
Every southern, rural, country stereotype you've heard is probably applicable here.
Like, two of my friends just found out today that they are related, through a town in middle Georgia. They're, like, kids of cousins.
Boiled peanuts? We've got 'em.
Peach trees? Galore.
Cotton fields? Get to pickin'.
The KKK? Shoot, you don't even have to leave the metro area to find white hoods.
Yeah, way on down in Dixie, still some segregationist crap at these huge county high schools... OK, don't get me started.
Anyway. So, Pop is down in bum freaking Egypt, in some county so far from here, we'd never even heard of it, until today. Did you know that there's a Mitchell County, Georgia? I certainly didn't, and what's more, it's actually closer to Flori-duh than here. Apparently it's sort of in the angle opposite the hypotenuse from Albany to Valdosta, since you totally
A. remember what a hypotenuse is, and
B. know where in hell, I mean, Georgia, Albany and Valdosta are.
I have faith in you, though... don't disappoint me.
(I need to take my frikkin' medication. It's 2:32 AM. I shoulda been took it.)
Ay ay ay. Blargh it all, I know I got half of my DNA from him, but sometimes I wonder. It's like he's allergic to abiding by the law. Once, I heard my pop went a whole six months without stealing anything and he broke out into hives. Started hyperventilating and everything. They said it was just an allergic reaction, but we know the truth. :nods:
Ah, well, I still love the big lug, rap sheet and all.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
and... she's back!
Today was interesting and random.
Worship went swimmingly. I'm glad to be back in my old congregation. It feels good to get Gramma to the services, as well. I feel really good about that. She looks adorable in her suits and dresses. My friends and I keep joking that she's trying to meet some nice brother and get married, and she just grins. My Gramma is so cute, it hurts.
In other news, I was talking with Linny outside on the phone a few minutes ago. I get crap reception for some reason inside my house, so often I will go outside and walk up the street. I get in some exercise, and gab with my friends -- win win.
Well, this creepy-looking guy stopped me and wanted to talk with me. He said that he needed someone to talk to and wanted to get to know me better. I mean, I know I'm cute and all, but seriously, I don't know this guy and crime is on the rise. I live in a pretty nice neighbourhood and everything but you just can't be too careful.
I told him that I didn't really talk to strangers, and he said that that's why I should talk to him when I got off the phone, so he wouldn't be a stranger anymore. I had to laugh at that.
I said, "Well, how do I know you're not going to hit me on the head and try and rob me?" He said, "Oh, no, miss, I'm not a criminal like that at all!" I said, "Well, I don't know that for sure, and you can't be too careful these days." He shook his head emphatically. I had to laugh at myself, because like Ted Bundy went around telling people he was a serial killer? You just don't know with people.
By and by, the guy, whose name is Vincent, walked around the corner, past the bus stop, and it looked like he was headed down toward the high school. I breathed a sigh of relief, and continued on with my walking. When I came back up the street a little later, though, there he was, and he leaned up against a traffic signpost, as if waiting for me or Godot or an absolution so long in coming, or maybe for sunset -- I dunno.
I asked my friend if she could just ring me back on my home line, because I was going in the house. I noticed my neighbour, Mrs. Arline, outside in the yard, and I wanted to get in the house whilst someone was still out to observe what was going on. I tried to do it as quickly as possible, because I didn't want him knowing where I lived.
It sucks, because it's a really nice day outside and I was enjoying my walk-and-talk, but I'm really not in the mood today for getting a stalker on my hands or defending myself against the Cascade Rapist, kthnx.
Anyway. Su called -- she is back from Spain. I'll bet she had a heck of a time.
I had coffee with KP yesterday -- more on that later.
I hung out with Kim and Kimmy today. It was full of awesome. Kimmy and I hang out all the time anyway -- we've gotten egregiously close lately. Kim is my childhood best friend and we had grown apart in recent years, but now that I'm back in the city we're spending more time together. As we talked together, she explained the distance that I had been feeling lately over the past while and it made a lot of sense. I'm just glad that I can be there for her now.
Hmm... well. I think that's it for now. Got a busy week lying ahead, and Di wants to hang out on Friday, which makes me happy.
Things have been going well for me socially and in a lot of other ways. I know that I need to get my act together as far as self-care and the like, but I don't know what it's going to take for me to truly follow through with that endeavour.
In the meantime, I've got rhythm, I've got music, I've got mymanawesome friends -- who could ask for anything more?
current mood: satisfied
current music: jewel - near you always
Worship went swimmingly. I'm glad to be back in my old congregation. It feels good to get Gramma to the services, as well. I feel really good about that. She looks adorable in her suits and dresses. My friends and I keep joking that she's trying to meet some nice brother and get married, and she just grins. My Gramma is so cute, it hurts.
In other news, I was talking with Linny outside on the phone a few minutes ago. I get crap reception for some reason inside my house, so often I will go outside and walk up the street. I get in some exercise, and gab with my friends -- win win.
Well, this creepy-looking guy stopped me and wanted to talk with me. He said that he needed someone to talk to and wanted to get to know me better. I mean, I know I'm cute and all, but seriously, I don't know this guy and crime is on the rise. I live in a pretty nice neighbourhood and everything but you just can't be too careful.
I told him that I didn't really talk to strangers, and he said that that's why I should talk to him when I got off the phone, so he wouldn't be a stranger anymore. I had to laugh at that.
I said, "Well, how do I know you're not going to hit me on the head and try and rob me?" He said, "Oh, no, miss, I'm not a criminal like that at all!" I said, "Well, I don't know that for sure, and you can't be too careful these days." He shook his head emphatically. I had to laugh at myself, because like Ted Bundy went around telling people he was a serial killer? You just don't know with people.
By and by, the guy, whose name is Vincent, walked around the corner, past the bus stop, and it looked like he was headed down toward the high school. I breathed a sigh of relief, and continued on with my walking. When I came back up the street a little later, though, there he was, and he leaned up against a traffic signpost, as if waiting for me or Godot or an absolution so long in coming, or maybe for sunset -- I dunno.
I asked my friend if she could just ring me back on my home line, because I was going in the house. I noticed my neighbour, Mrs. Arline, outside in the yard, and I wanted to get in the house whilst someone was still out to observe what was going on. I tried to do it as quickly as possible, because I didn't want him knowing where I lived.
It sucks, because it's a really nice day outside and I was enjoying my walk-and-talk, but I'm really not in the mood today for getting a stalker on my hands or defending myself against the Cascade Rapist, kthnx.
Anyway. Su called -- she is back from Spain. I'll bet she had a heck of a time.
I had coffee with KP yesterday -- more on that later.
I hung out with Kim and Kimmy today. It was full of awesome. Kimmy and I hang out all the time anyway -- we've gotten egregiously close lately. Kim is my childhood best friend and we had grown apart in recent years, but now that I'm back in the city we're spending more time together. As we talked together, she explained the distance that I had been feeling lately over the past while and it made a lot of sense. I'm just glad that I can be there for her now.
Hmm... well. I think that's it for now. Got a busy week lying ahead, and Di wants to hang out on Friday, which makes me happy.
Things have been going well for me socially and in a lot of other ways. I know that I need to get my act together as far as self-care and the like, but I don't know what it's going to take for me to truly follow through with that endeavour.
In the meantime, I've got rhythm, I've got music, I've got my
current mood: satisfied
current music: jewel - near you always
Saturday, October 25, 2008
what's goin' on
Psych appointment Friday. Dr. H was actually proud of me. Trusts me enough that he's upping my meds. So I've got about 3.625 grams of the Lamictal/Lamotrigine on me. I won't bother sharing what my initial knee-jerk reaction was to the idea of 3 grams.
Ob-Gyn appointment on Monday. OK, so I guess it's just the Gyn part, 'cause I'm not trying to hear about any obstetrics anytime soon. I haven't gotten my girl bits checked out in a while, and I'd been avoiding it 'cause the last time, I started crying like a baby. There's few things as flashback inducing as lying on a table and being prodded down there, but whatever. It's high time I saw to my netherregions and I'd like to know ASAP if there's any cellular weirdness going on in the vicinity of.
Not that I'm actually using any of my girlie bits; oh, no. I may as well donate my cervix to art or science or something. Anyone need a uterus? Maybe someone can use it to collect rainwater or something.
After Monday, I'll be done with appointments for myself for a while. I don't see Dr. H until December 23, and my next session with Ann isn't until Nov. 19. Normally we schedule them every week or two but for some reason we didn't schedule one. I guess she just figures that I'm coming to group every week, but she will soon see that she's figured wrong.
I don't feel like going. There's nothing much for me to say. In the end, I'm going to do what I'm going to do, one way or the other, and I'm failing to see a point in sitting around talking about what I'm going to do, one way or the other.
That's probably a cop-out, but I don't care, and I've got spumoni in the freezer.
Oh, so Mal called back friday, twice, actually. I'm glad that she's confiding in me and all. I'm worried about her. She's stronger than she thinks, though. She'll be OK.
Actually, I was able to come through for her. Her husband is really screwing them over financially. Anyway, because of some bills coming through and her being nervous that she wouldn't have enough to catch it, she needed just $10 or so to give the account enough of a cushion to catch the charges. I managed to scrape up the money and went and deposited it in her account. That's how you know I love the kid -- it was a perfectly good day for curling up and chilling, and it was super rainy. Add to the fact that I'm broke and had like $3 to my name, so I had to rob Peter to pay Paul to get the money, but I got the money. She's my homey, and I can think of plenty of times when she came through for me with dough, so hey, one good turn deserves another.
I'm just pissed that her husband keeps getting them in this situation. She's about to put some restrictions in place with him as far as accessing the account, but I actually think she needs to take it a step farther and take the check card away from him -- it's actually her bank account, not a joint one. Give him an allowance (she's the breadwinner -- he works only part-time), and say, "OK, here's money for gas and lunch. If you mess it up, tough." But he is not to be trusted with the check card.
There's more I could say about that, but I don't feel like talking more about her husband, or it will make me angry. We are all friends, but I definitely don't feel as close to him anymore as I've become progressively aware of what a bum he can be at times.
Anyway. OK, just so everything makes sense. I've got about four best friends right now. Mal is up in Indiana.
SB is in Austria, having moved there in September. I miss her a lot, but we were still staying in touch. Recently, though, I had been a little out of touch. She's sent me 2 emails this week, wondering how I am and what's going on. I love her to pieces, but I guess I just haven't wanted to write about it, and I haven't had the opportunity to Skype with her or whatever -- I need to get another camera and mic and all that.
I will get to working on an email to her though, soon, because I know she's already pretty worried and I haven't said anything. I just don't know what to say, especially as I'd kind of have to go back and catch her up on stuff. It's different from my friends around here in Atlanta who know what's been going down. Or even Mal, whom I can talk with on the phone.
But SB has been hardcore supportive and loving and amazing. I miss talking to her every day, but I guess life goes on and all that.
Ted is in New York. We do the Google chat thing and occasionally talk on the phone. Especially since I've moved back on this side of town, I've gotten close with his family again. His mom is going to give me a violin to replace the one I sold, if it is in good repair. I'm grateful, because I've really missed playing the violin.
Ted is rational, practical, loving and hilarious. He is the best thing to come out of prep school since polo and plaid.
Kim's the recentest addition to the BFF list. We were already good friends, but we've been spending mad time together since I came back to the city. We roll together no less than 3 times a week. We've discovered that we had a lot more in common than we previously thought. It's almost gotten eerie.
OK, so these are the major players.
Oh! I just saw a video of myself from 10 years ago, on this quiz show that used to run on TV in Atlanta. My high school quiz bowl team was on there, and we mopped the floor with the other team. I was nervous to watch it, afraid I'd embarrass myself. But I was actually pretty good on the show! I sound like a total white girl, but that's par for the course with me. My hair was long and my mannerisms are so... Anne-esque. Shoot, I was a-freaking-dorable! I felt some love for the 17-year-old me.
***
One of my favourite scene from Lennie Briscoe -- Jerry Orbach's character on Law & Order:
Lennie: I look at you, and I see possession with intent to sell.
Crackhead: But you ain't even search me!
Lennie: I got x-ray eyes, man! But if you tell me something about Drew Washington, maybe I go blind.
I love his wisecracks. I miss Jerry. He was a heck of an actor.
I like the cops on that show, making deals, letting petty criminals walk if they can come up with evidence or info to help them fry bigger fish.
Another scene:
Lennie (pointing to a photo of the guy they're after): You seen this guy?
Criminal (insolent, lying): Never seen him before in my life.
Ed (grabbing criminal): Is that so?!
Criminal: Hey, I watch Court TV! You can't search me without probable cause!
Ed (tussling with criminal): Well, you might want to go back and watch a little closer, because you ever heard of a Terry Stop? It means I can search you without PC if I feel my safety is being threatened. You feel threatened, Lennie?
Lennie: Oh, I'm shaking in my shoes.
Ed (pulls a packet of drugs out of criminal's pocket): Hey, what have we here? This could send you upstate for a couple of years.
Lennie: Unless, of course, it doesn't belong to him? Maybe he's just holding it for a FRIEND? (holds up previous photo, again)
Criminal (catching on): Uh, yeah, I was just holding it for the guy, I didn't know what it was.
scene ends with criminal ratting out the guy in the photo
****
It would be awesome if I could see Russia from here. Maybe.
As long as there's no borscht involved. I've had enough borscht to carry me for a lifetime.
Ob-Gyn appointment on Monday. OK, so I guess it's just the Gyn part, 'cause I'm not trying to hear about any obstetrics anytime soon. I haven't gotten my girl bits checked out in a while, and I'd been avoiding it 'cause the last time, I started crying like a baby. There's few things as flashback inducing as lying on a table and being prodded down there, but whatever. It's high time I saw to my netherregions and I'd like to know ASAP if there's any cellular weirdness going on in the vicinity of.
Not that I'm actually using any of my girlie bits; oh, no. I may as well donate my cervix to art or science or something. Anyone need a uterus? Maybe someone can use it to collect rainwater or something.
After Monday, I'll be done with appointments for myself for a while. I don't see Dr. H until December 23, and my next session with Ann isn't until Nov. 19. Normally we schedule them every week or two but for some reason we didn't schedule one. I guess she just figures that I'm coming to group every week, but she will soon see that she's figured wrong.
I don't feel like going. There's nothing much for me to say. In the end, I'm going to do what I'm going to do, one way or the other, and I'm failing to see a point in sitting around talking about what I'm going to do, one way or the other.
That's probably a cop-out, but I don't care, and I've got spumoni in the freezer.
Oh, so Mal called back friday, twice, actually. I'm glad that she's confiding in me and all. I'm worried about her. She's stronger than she thinks, though. She'll be OK.
Actually, I was able to come through for her. Her husband is really screwing them over financially. Anyway, because of some bills coming through and her being nervous that she wouldn't have enough to catch it, she needed just $10 or so to give the account enough of a cushion to catch the charges. I managed to scrape up the money and went and deposited it in her account. That's how you know I love the kid -- it was a perfectly good day for curling up and chilling, and it was super rainy. Add to the fact that I'm broke and had like $3 to my name, so I had to rob Peter to pay Paul to get the money, but I got the money. She's my homey, and I can think of plenty of times when she came through for me with dough, so hey, one good turn deserves another.
I'm just pissed that her husband keeps getting them in this situation. She's about to put some restrictions in place with him as far as accessing the account, but I actually think she needs to take it a step farther and take the check card away from him -- it's actually her bank account, not a joint one. Give him an allowance (she's the breadwinner -- he works only part-time), and say, "OK, here's money for gas and lunch. If you mess it up, tough." But he is not to be trusted with the check card.
There's more I could say about that, but I don't feel like talking more about her husband, or it will make me angry. We are all friends, but I definitely don't feel as close to him anymore as I've become progressively aware of what a bum he can be at times.
Anyway. OK, just so everything makes sense. I've got about four best friends right now. Mal is up in Indiana.
SB is in Austria, having moved there in September. I miss her a lot, but we were still staying in touch. Recently, though, I had been a little out of touch. She's sent me 2 emails this week, wondering how I am and what's going on. I love her to pieces, but I guess I just haven't wanted to write about it, and I haven't had the opportunity to Skype with her or whatever -- I need to get another camera and mic and all that.
I will get to working on an email to her though, soon, because I know she's already pretty worried and I haven't said anything. I just don't know what to say, especially as I'd kind of have to go back and catch her up on stuff. It's different from my friends around here in Atlanta who know what's been going down. Or even Mal, whom I can talk with on the phone.
But SB has been hardcore supportive and loving and amazing. I miss talking to her every day, but I guess life goes on and all that.
Ted is in New York. We do the Google chat thing and occasionally talk on the phone. Especially since I've moved back on this side of town, I've gotten close with his family again. His mom is going to give me a violin to replace the one I sold, if it is in good repair. I'm grateful, because I've really missed playing the violin.
Ted is rational, practical, loving and hilarious. He is the best thing to come out of prep school since polo and plaid.
Kim's the recentest addition to the BFF list. We were already good friends, but we've been spending mad time together since I came back to the city. We roll together no less than 3 times a week. We've discovered that we had a lot more in common than we previously thought. It's almost gotten eerie.
OK, so these are the major players.
Oh! I just saw a video of myself from 10 years ago, on this quiz show that used to run on TV in Atlanta. My high school quiz bowl team was on there, and we mopped the floor with the other team. I was nervous to watch it, afraid I'd embarrass myself. But I was actually pretty good on the show! I sound like a total white girl, but that's par for the course with me. My hair was long and my mannerisms are so... Anne-esque. Shoot, I was a-freaking-dorable! I felt some love for the 17-year-old me.
***
One of my favourite scene from Lennie Briscoe -- Jerry Orbach's character on Law & Order:
Lennie: I look at you, and I see possession with intent to sell.
Crackhead: But you ain't even search me!
Lennie: I got x-ray eyes, man! But if you tell me something about Drew Washington, maybe I go blind.
I love his wisecracks. I miss Jerry. He was a heck of an actor.
I like the cops on that show, making deals, letting petty criminals walk if they can come up with evidence or info to help them fry bigger fish.
Another scene:
Lennie (pointing to a photo of the guy they're after): You seen this guy?
Criminal (insolent, lying): Never seen him before in my life.
Ed (grabbing criminal): Is that so?!
Criminal: Hey, I watch Court TV! You can't search me without probable cause!
Ed (tussling with criminal): Well, you might want to go back and watch a little closer, because you ever heard of a Terry Stop? It means I can search you without PC if I feel my safety is being threatened. You feel threatened, Lennie?
Lennie: Oh, I'm shaking in my shoes.
Ed (pulls a packet of drugs out of criminal's pocket): Hey, what have we here? This could send you upstate for a couple of years.
Lennie: Unless, of course, it doesn't belong to him? Maybe he's just holding it for a FRIEND? (holds up previous photo, again)
Criminal (catching on): Uh, yeah, I was just holding it for the guy, I didn't know what it was.
scene ends with criminal ratting out the guy in the photo
****
It would be awesome if I could see Russia from here. Maybe.
As long as there's no borscht involved. I've had enough borscht to carry me for a lifetime.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
I'll say more later, but for right now, I'll just say that the campaigning for President has been making me think.
Why are folks so afraid of ideas and opinions so contrary to theirs? Why must they rabidly oppose such, painting the holders of these differing ideas so pejoratively, as somehow alien or sinister?
I don't understand it and it makes me feel a little sick to my stomach.
Why are folks so afraid of ideas and opinions so contrary to theirs? Why must they rabidly oppose such, painting the holders of these differing ideas so pejoratively, as somehow alien or sinister?
I don't understand it and it makes me feel a little sick to my stomach.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
cruelty-free
I think PETA is crazy.
That said, after watching this video, I don't think I can go back to eating meat. The video made me cry... (and be warned, the video is pretty flippin' graphic. you will see animals abused and having their throats slit and bleeding.
Holy cow I don't think I can eat meat without puking (involuntarily) again.)
I've been vegetarian and vegan before -- you may remember that I carried on as such for a good while. (From 2000 to 2003 -- when I went to residential treatment they insisted that I go back to eating meat, and I complied. I've never been real huge on meat since then, but I will eat it.)
Wow. I knew the animals were mistreated -- I'd read about it, but I'd never actually seen the footage. Lord.
****
In other news, I start back working on a limited, part-time basis on Thursday... I think it's time. It won't be enough money to start financing any revolutions anytime soon, but I will be able to pay my health insurance, give Gramma a big chunk of money to help with the mortgage and bills, and then the rest of the money I can save or put towards, perhaps, my bills. I'm not interested in throwing money at my bills if I can't make much of a difference right now, so that's a maybe, but paying my health insurance, my medical/psych appointments, and money to Gramma ain't a maybe. It will feel so good to be able to help her out, and at the same time help myself.
Depending on how strong I feel come December, and whether or not I am accepted to the apprenticeship, and also how disability is looking (they will let you work a certain amount, and I will be making just at the cut-off amount of dollars they allow you to make), I will decide my next move -- stepping up to attempting full-time, etc.
I have my meeting with vocational rehab tomorrow... I will see what they can offer me. I will also have a frank talk with my boss. If she is willing to work with me and make accomodations, I will feel a lot better about trying to do full-time with her. The vocational rehab people have partnerships with companies who are willing to try and make accomodations for people with disabilities.
My thing is, I don't want to try to do the full-time thing and then end up not able to pull it off, and then have screwed myself over for benefits and be without a source of income. I also don't want to set myself up for a huge downhill ride with the bipolar or eating disorder.
Yeah, obviously I'm having some issues with the ED, but at the same time, I'm not completely going off the deep-end here. I'm going to have a long talk with Ann tomorrow about where I am with my eating -- or lack thereof -- and maybe she can help me.
I'm going to be honest with her about a lot of things... and I suspect that there will be an end to this fasting madness real soon. Because, seriously, I'm sick of treating myself like this... it's that lately, I'm having these recurring thoughts, obsessive thoughts, that I don't know how to get out of my head. It is so hard staying in this body and keeping my sanity. Sometimes I feel really close to the edge and I don't know how to deal with it healthfully. I mean, I really will try to use the tools I've been given -- I've been journaling a lot more lately... I've been trying to meditate... I try to distract myself... I try reaching out to other people. and it helps to varying degrees, but lately, not much at all.
So, I'm kind of not sure, but I want something better for myself than a sure return back to the hospital. I know the drill by now. Lose a whole bunch of weight, end up back in treatment, possibly with a tube, if Christine has anything to say about it, do therapy and gain weight. There's nothing particularly glamorous about it, and it would be in December, which is somehow always really depressing for me. Treatment in an already depressing month is just lame.
I don't know how I'm going to figure out how to nourish myself and keep the thoughts contained... I don't know. I really don't want anything inside my body. I don't know how I'm going to manage. But for some reason, just throwing my hands up and giving in and giving up doesn't feel right, either.
I don't know. I know I was made for more than this, but I don't know how to get there or what, exactly, to do in the meantime.
current mood: a little punched in the gut
current music: polovtsian dances - aleksandr borodin
That said, after watching this video, I don't think I can go back to eating meat. The video made me cry... (and be warned, the video is pretty flippin' graphic. you will see animals abused and having their throats slit and bleeding.
Holy cow I don't think I can eat meat without puking (involuntarily) again.)
I've been vegetarian and vegan before -- you may remember that I carried on as such for a good while. (From 2000 to 2003 -- when I went to residential treatment they insisted that I go back to eating meat, and I complied. I've never been real huge on meat since then, but I will eat it.)
Wow. I knew the animals were mistreated -- I'd read about it, but I'd never actually seen the footage. Lord.
****
In other news, I start back working on a limited, part-time basis on Thursday... I think it's time. It won't be enough money to start financing any revolutions anytime soon, but I will be able to pay my health insurance, give Gramma a big chunk of money to help with the mortgage and bills, and then the rest of the money I can save or put towards, perhaps, my bills. I'm not interested in throwing money at my bills if I can't make much of a difference right now, so that's a maybe, but paying my health insurance, my medical/psych appointments, and money to Gramma ain't a maybe. It will feel so good to be able to help her out, and at the same time help myself.
Depending on how strong I feel come December, and whether or not I am accepted to the apprenticeship, and also how disability is looking (they will let you work a certain amount, and I will be making just at the cut-off amount of dollars they allow you to make), I will decide my next move -- stepping up to attempting full-time, etc.
I have my meeting with vocational rehab tomorrow... I will see what they can offer me. I will also have a frank talk with my boss. If she is willing to work with me and make accomodations, I will feel a lot better about trying to do full-time with her. The vocational rehab people have partnerships with companies who are willing to try and make accomodations for people with disabilities.
My thing is, I don't want to try to do the full-time thing and then end up not able to pull it off, and then have screwed myself over for benefits and be without a source of income. I also don't want to set myself up for a huge downhill ride with the bipolar or eating disorder.
Yeah, obviously I'm having some issues with the ED, but at the same time, I'm not completely going off the deep-end here. I'm going to have a long talk with Ann tomorrow about where I am with my eating -- or lack thereof -- and maybe she can help me.
I'm going to be honest with her about a lot of things... and I suspect that there will be an end to this fasting madness real soon. Because, seriously, I'm sick of treating myself like this... it's that lately, I'm having these recurring thoughts, obsessive thoughts, that I don't know how to get out of my head. It is so hard staying in this body and keeping my sanity. Sometimes I feel really close to the edge and I don't know how to deal with it healthfully. I mean, I really will try to use the tools I've been given -- I've been journaling a lot more lately... I've been trying to meditate... I try to distract myself... I try reaching out to other people. and it helps to varying degrees, but lately, not much at all.
So, I'm kind of not sure, but I want something better for myself than a sure return back to the hospital. I know the drill by now. Lose a whole bunch of weight, end up back in treatment, possibly with a tube, if Christine has anything to say about it, do therapy and gain weight. There's nothing particularly glamorous about it, and it would be in December, which is somehow always really depressing for me. Treatment in an already depressing month is just lame.
I don't know how I'm going to figure out how to nourish myself and keep the thoughts contained... I don't know. I really don't want anything inside my body. I don't know how I'm going to manage. But for some reason, just throwing my hands up and giving in and giving up doesn't feel right, either.
I don't know. I know I was made for more than this, but I don't know how to get there or what, exactly, to do in the meantime.
current mood: a little punched in the gut
current music: polovtsian dances - aleksandr borodin
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